Twelve days of Christmas | The Daily Norm

Jan 6

On the Twelfth day of Christmas, my Normy gave to me…

…twelve drummers drumming

It’s 6 January, the 12^th day of Christmas, and the crowds are out in force in Spain. Huge parades fill the streets, floats covered with flowers and Norms dressed as kings. Sweets are being thrown from the floats, littering the air like edible confetti, and on the roadside, little Norm children are scrambling to have their fill. This is not just any day, in the Christian world it’s the Epiphany, and in Spain and across South America, it’s “El Dia de los Reyes – the 3 Kings Festival! However this year, in one Spanish town, it’s not the floats containing the 3 kings which are getting all of the attention, but one particular float, upon which sits closely bound a Norm-man and a Norm-woman, happily in love, surrounded by 12 drummers celebrating their love-filled reunion…

…it’s Normy and Normette!

On the Twelfth day of Christmas, my Normy gave to me, 12 drummers drumming (© Nicholas de Lacy-Brown, pen on paper)

Yes, Normette is back! How could she possibly have resisted? Just one thought of those 11 pipers piping with their little tartan kilts, and what could possibly lay beneath (underwear or, as tradition dictates, au naturel) had her bouncing back to the UK as fast as the Eurostar to London could carry her (and to be fair, it does go quite fast). Why did she ever leave the fair rolling green pastures of the English lands, the verdant landscapes, the tartan fabrics, tea at 5 and of course Downton Abbey? But most of all, she had missed someone irreplaceable in her life, who had travelled up and down the UK just in an attempt to lure her back to him – why Normy of course.

In fact once they were reunited, Normette realised that it wasn’t really the UK she had missed at all, but dear Normy, and having taken one look at the rainy weather, she booked them both on a trip to Sunny Spain. And once there, what should they find, but the 3 Kings Festival itself. What better way to give Normette one final gift on the 12^th day of Christmas, thought Normy, than to jump up on a float and celebrate their love surrounded by 12 drummers and a crowd of cheering admirers (Normette did miss her Moulin Rouge celebrity after all).

And so it is upon this moment of celebration and jubilation that on the 12^th day of Christmas, we leave our lovers to it, back together, adoring, and ready to face the New Year as one. Here’s to a great 2013!!!

© Nicholas de Lacy-Brown and The Daily Norm, 2001-2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of the material, whether written work, photography or artwork, included within The Daily Norm without express and written permission from The Daily Norm’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicholas de Lacy-Brown and The Daily Norm with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Jan 3

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On the Eleventh day of Christmas, my Normy gave to me…

…eleven pipers piping

It’s been several days since Normy made the mistake of introducing Normette to the glamorous razzmatazz of the Moulin Rouge, and she has still not come home. Not even since receiving Normy’s tantalising glimpse of 10 Lords-a-leaping over the boundary fences of Downton Abbey. How could she have resisted those bucksome young Norms, with all their wealth and privilege?! But no, Normette continues to thrive in the nocturnal shadows of the relentless revolution of Paris’ most famous red windmill. In fact so skilled a cabaret star has Normette become, that she has gone from Can-Can chorus-girl to show starlet, and the other day she even appeared on the front of the Paris Match, and it’s rumoured she will be invited onto the Ellen DeGeneres show any day now.

So with all this in mind, Normy, who is keenly aware that the 12^th day of Christmas is fast approaching, has taken drastic measures to try and lure Normette back to the UK. In fact he traipsed all the way up to Bonny Scotland, to Edinburgh Castle, notorious location of New Year’s Eve celebrations, and on the very same night managed to persuade 11 hardy Norm bag-pipers to pose for a picture which he will now send to Normette (there were originally 14 on hand to play, but since Normy only wanted 11 for Normette’s 11^th present, he got 3 drunk on Scotch Whisky, which turned out to be a pretty easy task). How can Normette possibly resist that Scottish charm, those flighty little tartan kilts, and those amazing furry hats? And the great advantage of this being a mere photo of the pipers, is that Normette needn’t hear the terrible drone of the bagpipes which poor Normy had to endure for some hours…!

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my Normy gave to me, 11 pipers piping (© Nicholas de Lacy-Brown, pen on paper)

But will Normy be successful in luring Normette back home this time?

© Nicholas de Lacy-Brown and The Daily Norm, 2001-2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of the material, whether written work, photography or artwork, included within The Daily Norm without express and written permission from The Daily Norm’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicholas de Lacy-Brown and The Daily Norm with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Dec 29

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On the Tenth day of Christmas, my Normy gave to me…

…ten lords a-leaping

So for those of you who missed the last instalment of Normy’s quest to give his lover, Normette, a gift for each of the 12 days of Christmas, well, you could say it has all backfired a little. Rather than to woo Normette into Normy’s one-armed embrace, his gift of 9 ladies dancing enticed a rather stressed-out Normette to join the Moulin Rouge’s dancing troop. As we speak, she is flashing her nether regions to the rich punters of the infamous nightclub, dancing provocatively with her ruffled skirt up and letting her hair down most unsuitably. One could say she is having the time of her life, but poor Normy, back in England, is in despair. Just how will he persuade Normette to come back to England?

It was when Normy was watching a review of 2012 on television that he had an idea – what with all those views of the Diamond Jubilee, and the UK’s victorious performance at the London 2012 olympics – why, what better way to persuade Normette back to England than to remind her of just what is so great about the country compared to France, which she has now made her home. He would visit the creme de la creme of the UK, taking photos of all of the best features of this wonderful nation, sending each in turn to Normette on the 10th, 11th and 12th days of Christmas respectively – he may even send more. Whatever it takes to get Normette back!

First up, Normy paid a visit to what is now widely considered to be the very paradigm of true England – none other than Downton Abbey. And just as Normy was approaching the great Abbey and the very aristocratic Norm family who live within, he came across a whole gang of posh Lords – ten in fact, who happened to be energetically engaged in their annual festive race around the Downton grounds. Basically, as part of this race, the Lords leap around the estate perimeters, jumping over gates and hedgerows, ha-has and rivers, riding upon their hobby horses (real horses are far too big for Norms who would surely lose their balance from fear and splat on the ground) in order to increase their chances of a speedy victory. Oh what fun! And how convenient, thought Normy, that there were ten handsome Lords – there could be no better image to photograph for Normette and send to her on the 10th day of Christmas. With a sight as iconically English as this, what better reason could there be for Normette to flee France and come home to England ? (And after all, Normy doubted that France has anything as classy as Downton Abbey on its TV screens).

On the 10th day of Christmas my Normy gave to me, 10 Lords a-leaping (2012 © Nicholas de Lacy-Brown, pen on paper)

But surely this in itself will not persuade Normette to give up her jocular life of dancing and debauchery. How will Normy lure Normette back in the 11th day of Christmas?

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Dec 28

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On the Ninth day of Christmas, my Normy gave to me…

… nine ladies dancing

Normette’s nerves are in shreds. After days of receiving disastrous presents from her lover Normy, she can no longer cope with the worst of them – those bloody French hens. Of all the snobby hens Normette has ever come across, those three are surely the worst! For example the hen with the beret refused point blank to eat the frogs legs Normette had imported in especially for them on account of the fact that they were frozen and not prepared by a chef of at least two michelin stars. Then there’s the cabaret hen – she’s such a little hussy that she’s been half way round the nearby farms flirting with all of the cockerals and showing off her fishnet stockings and best can-can moves. And as for the fashionista hen, well she refused to even sit on Normette’s sofa, let alone a nest, justifying her reticence by the fact the cushions were not “couture” enough and demanding that Normette buy some throws instead from Gautier’s most recent home collection before she would go anywhere near. No, that’s it, Normette has had enough. The hens have to go!

Now despite her frayed nerves, Normette, like most Norms, is fundamentally an animal-loving creature and agreed with Normy that the hens should, at least, be returned to Paris where they came. And at least this way Normette would get a glimpse of the city of love. So off they went, Normette, Normy, and the three hens in tow, on Eurostar direct to Paris Gare du Nord. But once they reached Paris, the problem then was where to take the hens. They had no idea where they were from, and the only clue they really had was the fact that the cabaret hen kept on clucking on about the Moulin Rouge. So to that same infamous night club they headed, in the risqué district of Pigalle with all of the sinful pleasures it entails.

When they were one metro stop away, Normy suddenly had another of his genius thoughts – wasn’t the 9th present he owed Normette supposed to be 9 ladies dancing?! Why, the Moulin Rouge was the home of perhaps some of the most famous dancers of the lot – the can-can dancers! Full of excitement, and dragging Normette (and the hens) up the steps of the Metro, Normy tried to rush Normette straight into the Moulin Rouge to see the dancers as a 9th day treat. But once the innocent and demure Normette caught sight of the nightclub, with its pictures of scantily-clad Norms and provocative dancers, she refused point-blank to go in! Undeterred, Normy rushed into the club, leaving Normette stood angrily on the pavement of the Rue Blanche (where she attracted quite a few admiring glances from nearby sex-shop punters I might add). Suddenly, out of the Moulin Rouge ran Normy, followed by a troup of 9 can-can dancers, who immediately started putting on a show for Normette! If he couldn’t get Normette inside, he’d darn well bring the inside out!

On the Ninth day of Christmas, my Normy gave to me, 9 dancers dancing (2012 © Nicholas de Lacy-Brown, pen on paper)

So there they were, 9 ladies of the night, dancing frivolously especially for Normette. Lifting their frilly dresses and showing off their provocatively placed garters, it couldn’t be denied that the dancers were enticing – even Normette couldn’t keep her eyes off them! In fact in those dancers, Normette began to gain a sense of solidarity, a promise of fun, of freedom, of frivolous joy day after day. And that is why, as the show ended and the dancers began to file back into the famous red-windmilled club, Normette found herself drawn in too, caught up in the excitement, the frills, the feathers, and so fast in fact that before he knew it Normy (and the hens) were left out in the cold, the doors of the Moulin Rouge slammed in his face, and Normette, perhaps, lost to him forever.

Can Normy attract Normette back, on the 10th day of Christmas??

© Nicholas de Lacy-Brown and The Daily Norm, 2001-2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of the material, whether written work, photography or artwork, included within The Daily Norm without express and written permission from The Daily Norm’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicholas de Lacy-Brown and The Daily Norm with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Dec 26

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On the Eighth day of Christmas, my Normy gave to me…

…eight maids a-milking

Normy and Normette haven’t had an easy ride as far as Christmas gifts have gone. Ever since trying to emulate the lyrics to the Twelve Days of Christmas in making daily gifts to Normette, Normy has gone from one disaster to the next, what with collie birds flapping all over the place, 5 golden rings which led Normette to accuse him of having an affair, and 6 geese who preferred to lie out on loungers in the Caribbean rather than lay eggs as the carol dictates.

However, for the 8th day, Normy was sure he was onto a good thing. It’s Boxing Day, so it’s unsurprising that Normette, ever the fastidious cook, has run out of milk. It was all of those coffees yesterday, not to mention the custard that all her guests poured liberally over their Christmas pud. However, for today, Normette wants to make her favourite of all desserts – a Norm-shaped blancmange – a traditional affair at Christmas time for all Norms who like the novelty of eating something as white and bouncy as they are. Imagine then Normette’s disdain that in preparing for the dessert she realised she had run out of milk! And with all the shops around her closed too! But on hearing the news, Normy was suddenly excited – he realised that at last the opportunity had arisen for him to shine and prove that he could give Normette a worthwhile present – for what had he prepared for her 8th Christmas gift? Why, none other than 8 maids a-milking!

Full of excitement, Normy brought each of the 8 maids he had acquired for Normette into the kitchen. Once Normette had unwrapped each maid, she too became excited at Normy’s ingenuity. It was only when she then asked for the milk that Normy realised the error of his ways. He had managed to lay his hands on 8 maids, but he had completely forgotten about the cows! And where on earth would he find 8 cows at this time of the year?!

After many phone calls and several expressions of anger from Normette, Normy managed to find a single cow, and out they trekked, deep into a snowy field, while all 8 milk maids set about milking that poor single cow. But so shocked was the cow at being grappled by no fewer than 8 milk maids at one time that she could barely produce a milliletre of milk. Normette was far from impressed. I wouldn’t want to be in Normy’s household tonight…

On the eight day of Christmas my Normy gave to me 8 maids a-milking (2012 © Nicholas de Lacy-Brown)

Will Normy finally do better on the 9th day of Christmas?

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Dec 16

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On the Seventh day of Christmas, my Normy gave to me…

…seven swans a-swimming

So on the sixth day of Christmas, poor Normy never managed to give his loved one Normette any gift at all. Or, to put it accurately, he did give a gift, but Normette would have had to fly all the way out to the Caribbean to get her hands on it, and what she would do with 6 slightly sun-roasted geese complete with an underlying taste of sun tan lotion she didn’t know. So as for the seventh day of Christmas, Normy had all 3 of his fingers and his 1 thumb crossed in the hope that his next gift would be a success, and Normette had her carefully curled eyelashes equally crossed in the hope that this time she might actually receive something she could enjoy, or at the very least get her hands upon!

Up next in the 12 days carol is the seven swans a-swimming. Normy wasn’t overly sure how to go about gifting 7 swans. It seemed altogether rather extravagant to him, and what with there being some antiquated law about its being treason towards Her Majesty Queen Normabeth II if you kill a swan in her realm (allegedly she owns them all), Normy thought he had better steer clear of the real thing. Instead he had a brainwave! He could take Normette on a trip down to the local park, where, as luck would have it, there was a “Swan Lake boating park”, whereby those Norms who enjoy bobbing around on the water, could hire a swan-shaped boat and sail around the large lake to their hearts’ content. Why, he would even hire 7 of the things if he needed to!

So off they went, Normette barely containing her excitement as they went on their merry way to collect her latest present. However this excitement was, as ever, shortlived. No sooner had they arrived in the boating park, than they noticed an ugly large sign alerting them that Swan Lake was closed! The swan-shaped boats were there, but there was certainly no swimming, or boating to be done in them – the lake was frozen solid! Poor Normy! Poor Normette!

On the 7th day of Christmas my Normy gave to me, 7 swans a-swimming (2012 © Nicholas de Lacy-Brown, pen on paper)

However there is surely a happy ending to this story… The lake may be frozen, but just look what a magical ice-skating rink it has become. As Norms young and old set out on their Norm-tailored skates, toboggans and sledges, dancing and skidding across the lake’s hardened surface, others enjoy the festive Christmas fair which has popped up around it, complete with mulled wine and traditional Christmas toys, and behind, a ferris wheel spins Norms around at a leisurely pace, affording them the best view of the frozen lake, the market and the woods beyond.

So no swans a-swimming, but this winter wonderland must be worth some brownie points surely? Well done Normy, you’re getting there! Let’s hope his luck continues on the eight day of Christmas…

© Nicholas de Lacy-Brown and The Daily Norm, 2001-2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of the material, whether written work, photography or artwork, included within The Daily Norm without express and written permission from The Daily Norm’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicholas de Lacy-Brown and The Daily Norm with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Dec 12

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On the Sixth day of Christmas, my Normy gave to me…

…six geese a-laying

Now Normette would be the first to admit that her presents from Normy haven’t exactly been a huge success so far. The Norm-pear tree was pretty good, albeit that it takes a lot of watering and doesn’t survive at all well in this chilly weather, oh and the partridge perched in it keeps on attempting to peck at the baby Norms; then there were the two turtle-doves who wouldn’t fly or fit in a dove cot; the three French hens were awfully chic but ever so demanding, and as for the four colly birds – by the time they had flown from their pie, shocked the guests and splattered gravy all over Normette’s living room, they then proved a devil to catch. And perhaps it’s better not to mention the five gold rings, one of which caused an irrevocable breakdown in Normette’s trust for Normy (despite his later protestations that the fifth ring was presented in homage to the carol, and not intended for another lover!). Despite all of this, when the sixth day of Christmas came, Normette was rather looking forward to receiving another gift, and Normy saw it as an opportunity to redeem himself.

Imagine their shock then when no present turned up! Let me explain… Next on the list in The Twelve Days of Christmas are the six geese a-laying. In pursuit of six egg-laying geese, Normy called his local farmer and explained what he wanted. Farmer Norm noted down the order, but was rather busy skinning some Turkeys for a mountain of Christmas orders, so he passed on the order to 6 geese on his farm explaining what Normy wanted.

Now geese are not the cleverest of birds, and when they saw that Normy wanted “six geese a-laying”, they assumed he wanted six geese lying down. Now “lay” is the past tense of “lie”, so it’s not altogether surprising that they made this obvious grammatical mistake, especially as geese are not that used to reading… Anyway, the geese, being something of a group of opportunists, decided that since they were expected to present themselves lying down, they may as well do it somewhere nice. And seeing as Normy had already sent payment to the farmer for the geese, the very same pesky birds decided to take the cash and book themselves the first available flights to a location where lying back would be enjoyable.

And so, while the six geese should have been a-laying big eggs in Normette’s backyard, where do you think they ended up? Why, lying back having a splendid time on a beach in the caribbean, and not an egg or nest in sight!

On the Sixth day of Christmas my Normy gave to me six geese a-laying (2012 © Nicholas de Lacy-Brown, pen on paper)

Poor Normy. Poor Normette. Let’s cross our fingers and hope that Normy has better luck on the Seventh day of Christmas…

© Nicholas de Lacy-Brown and The Daily Norm, 2001-2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of the material, whether written work, photography or artwork, included within The Daily Norm without express and written permission from The Daily Norm’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicholas de Lacy-Brown and The Daily Norm with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Dec 11

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On the Fifth day of Chritsmas my Normy gave to me…

…five gold rings

Poor Normy has got himself into a bit of a pickle over this one. Trying to remain as faithful as possible to the words of the traditional carol, The Twelve Days of Christmas, Normy decided to give to his loved one, Normette, five gold rings upon the fifth day of Christmas. Little could he foresee the trouble that would ensue.

On receiving the package containing her latest gift from Normy, Normette’s eyes grew wider and wider with delight as she uncovered one gold ring after another. However her happiness soon turned to consternation. You see Norms only have one arm, and four fingers – well, three fingers and a thumb to be exact. So having slipped one gold ring over each of her fingers and thumb respectively (they fitted like a glove), imagine her confusion when Normette found a further fifth ring at the bottom of the package. Why could this be? Norms only have four fingers, so what on earth would the other one be for, she thought. It was too small for her wrist, and Norms don’t have ears upon which a ring can be hung. Well then, there was only one conclusion she could make. With tears in her eyes, and filling up with rage and distress and utmost horror, Normette came to the only conclusion she considered to logically fit the facts…Normy must be having an affair!

On the 5th day of Christmas my Normy gave to me...5 gold rings (2012 © Nicholas de Lacy-Brown, pen on paper)

Oh dear. Something tells me there won’t be “peace on earth and goodwill to all Norms” in the home of Normy and Normette this Christmas! Let’s hope Normy can make up for his faux pas with a suitably lavish gift on the sixth day of Christmas…

© Nicholas de Lacy-Brown and The Daily Norm, 2001-2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of the material, whether written work, photography or artwork, included within The Daily Norm without express and written permission from The Daily Norm’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicholas de Lacy-Brown and The Daily Norm with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Dec 10

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On the Fourth day of Christmas, my Normy gave to me…

…four colly birds

I know what you’re thinking – is that a misprint – isn’t it 4 calling birds? Well, here’s the newsflash – 4 calling birds is wrong! And thank goodness for Normy, whose dedicated research uncovered this now largely unknown mistake!

Yes, persevering in his hunt of the gifts fabled to be given to a loved one in the carol, The Twelve Days of Christmas, Normy was researching online to find out where on earth he would find 4 calling birds to give to his dear Normette…only to discover that actually he should be giving her 4 colly birds. Various theories exist online as to why the colly of the 16th century verse gradually became mixed up and morphed into calling birds. But now that the mistake has firmly taken hold in the consciousness of so many, we at The Daily Norm thought it was about time the record was put straight. And not only that. Normy was adamant that he would give Normette a present representing the correct version of the carol.

However, despite his efforts, poor Normy got carried away with his internet research. Having discovered that the word colly derives from colliery, (which is a coal mine) and that a colly is actually another word for a blackbird, this nickname being given because of the blackbird’s coal-like black feathers, Normy then started researching where he could buy blackbirds. Sure enough, he came across that other popular verse, Sing a song of sixpence, A pocket full of rye. Four and twenty blackbirds, Baked in a pie, and quite forgetting which lyrics he was meant to be emulating, ordered 4 blackbirds baked in a pie! Imagine then the shock Normette experienced when she sat down to a Christmas feast with her friends and family only to break into a pie full of live blackbirds! I’m not sure she will ever get over the shock!

On the 4th day of Christmas my Normy gave to me 4 colly birds (2012 © Nicholas de Lacy-Brown, pen on paper)

Let’s hope Normy does better on the fifth day of Christmas…

© Nicholas de Lacy-Brown and The Daily Norm, 2001-2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of the material, whether written work, photography or artwork, included within The Daily Norm without express and written permission from The Daily Norm’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicholas de Lacy-Brown and The Daily Norm with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Dec 7

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On the Third day of Christmas, my Normy gave to me…

…three French hens

Now that’s more like it. A little bit of class, newly arrived straight from across the channel via eurostar. These three french hens are the height of chic. There’s the typically-French hen, sporting “le pullover” in iconic stripy blue and white, a string of onions and of course a little black beret; then fashionista-hen, draped with Coco Chanel’s characteristic long beads of pearls and a quilted chanel bag, along with louboutin shoes and a waft of Chanel No.5; and finally cabaret-hen, straight out of the Moulin Rouge herself, with a fetching outfit of fishnet and can-can frills, topped with an exuberant feathered head-dress (as if she needed more feathers).

Oh yes, these hens ought to perfectly reflect Normette’s stylish bearing, although she must remember that French hens aren’t just any old hens. Oh no. They require regular trips to the Harrods pet pampering salon, a cosy cashmere nest in which to lay their Fabergé eggs and a diet full of French delicacies such as oysters, baguette, moules-frites and, ewww, frogs legs… hmmm, good luck with sourcing those Normette.

On the third day of Christmas, my Normy gave to me...3 French Hens (2012 © Nicholas de Lacy-Brown, pen on paper)

What will Normy give her on day four?

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